Reflection

I remember. I remember when those light green eyes shined so brightly. When those bony, broad shoulders stood square and strong. Just yesterday life danced in that goofy grin. And the chestnut locks curled along that scrawny neck. O' where did the wide-eyed wonder go? The dare, no determination, to change the world? Did wonder give way to worry? And dare to disappointment? Those eyes have lost their shine. They show retreat. Those shoulders, now slumped in defeat. If I ever had a hope, it seems I lost it. If I ever had a smile, then fate has tossed it. The curls of youth replaced by graying...straying. Is this the real me? Is this who I was all along? And only now the veneer has worn so thin that truth is exposed? Or have I wandered so far that the real me cannot be found? Lost somewhere in time's relentless ticking...ticking...ticking. Oh mirror, surely you lie. Surely the best has not gone by.

Why You (I) Don't Understand God

Sometimes, God just plain humbles you. Sometimes you need a reminder that He is God and you are not. (And by "you", I mean "me.") I've been thinking a lot lately about God's whole plan...and how it just doesn't make sense. I mean, here's what boggles me: God knows the future. So He knew, long before He even created the heavens and the earth, that His prized creation would betray him. He knew that man would turn against Him. He knew we'd create other gods to take his place. He knew we would deny our Maker's very existence. And yet He continued. That blows my mind. If it were me, upon seeing this future, I would've said, "Nah...never mind." But not only did He continue, God devised a plan to give us all a chance to come back to Him. And what a plan it is! We denied Him and HE came chasing after us. Such is the love of God for us!

For those of you who don't know this plan, here it is in a nutshell: God said, (paraphrasing here) "You denied me. You didn't listen to me. You broke my rules. You shunned me, spat at me, kicked dirt in my face. I created you and you proclaimed that you created me. So you don't deserve to be with me. You don't deserve all that I have to offer. After all, you think you can do better on your own. You deserve to spend eternity away from my presence. But I love you. I love you so much that I will give my only son--the son I love--to you. I will allow you to beat him, mock him, torture him, kill him. All so you can be forgiven for what YOU'VE done. Not for what HE has done. He will be blameless. But still he'll die so YOU can become blameless too."

Now wait a minute. I'm sorry, but that plan just plain doesn't make sense to me. Who comes up with that? Who could possibly think that makes sense? God. That's who.

And the reason we don't understand it. Well, He even gave us an answer for that too:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. "As the heavens are

higher than the earth, so are my ways

higher than your ways and my thoughts

than your thoughts." --Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

Think about that statement for a moment and realize just how humbling that is. As smart as you are, God is infinitely smarter. As much as you think you understand, you're not even close. Your sense of justice is lightyears away from what His justice really is. Your ability to reason...miniscule in His presence. Anytime you've asked God, "why?"the answer is, "You wouldn't understand if I told you." Anytime you say, "I can't believe in a God who would do something like..." it's because you don't get it. And again, by "you", I mean "me." Humbling. And yet, somehow...empowering.

It's the End of the World (As We Know It)

No doubt, by now, you've heard of the prediction that tomorrow is Judgement Day and the end of the world will begin with the rapture happening sometime tomorrow, Saturday, May 21st, 2011. Harold Camping, who somehow got to a point where he owns a network of 150 "religious" radio stations around the country, has been espousing this message for months now. I'm okay when so-called "experts" or self-proclaimed theologians start spouting out theories like this as fact. Mostly because, when Sunday May 22nd comes around...no one will ever listen to this yahoo again. But... What if? I know, I know...but entertain the thought for awhile. If we all really knew that tomorrow was the end of the world, how would we behave? Would there be any need to go to war today? Any reason to harbor ill-will towards another human being? If the end of the world was coming within the next 24 hours, and we all face the same fate...then we're all equal today. How would that change the way you behave? How would that affect the way you live the next 24 hours? Maybe sometimes these nutjobs are good for us. Maybe they make us ask important questions of ourselves. Maybe, we can all be better human beings by at least entertaining such outrageous claims about the end of the world. People who have "near death experiences" often change the way they live. What if we treated this prediction as a "near death experience?" Maybe we laugh off such notions because we truly don't want to change. Maybe we laugh at these predictions (and perhaps rightfully so) because we don't want a near death experience. But maybe we all need our cage rattled every once in awhile, huh? I, for one, don't believe Camping's claims. No matter how elaborate his mathematical equation for figuring out the end of the world. Because God told us very clearly:

"But about that day or hour no one knows,

not even the angels in heaven, nor the

Son, but only the Father."

--Matthew 24:36 (NIV)

Not even Harold Camping.

But wouldn't it be nice if the whole world lived that way...just once?

...And There Was Much Rejoicing

Last night my wife and I were watching a movie in our living room. We finished about 10 o'clock and were just about to head to bed when she checked her Facebook one quick time. She read this post in her news feed:

"Burn in hell, Bin Laden."

We were both curious about this post. Was this person just having a bad day and blaming the worst terrorist mastermind of our generation? Or did something happen? We quickly turned on the news to see the news banner across the bottom of hte screen:

PRESIDENT OBAMA CONFIRMS OSAMA BIN LADEN HAS BEEN KILLED.

We watched as crowds gathered in front of the White House, clapping, singing and waving flags in the celebration of the death of this horrible man. I hit rewind on the DVR to see how the news unfolded--the first official announcement from White House press reporters. We watched as President Obama told us about the operation.

And...we rejoiced.

"One less piece of evil in this world" I posted on facebook and Twitter. And that sparked a conversation. Are we supposed to rejoice at the death of a terrorist? Or, in the much-cliche'd phrase, "what would Jesus do?"

"Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice..."

--Proverbs 24:17 (NIV)

But that's not easy to do, is it? I mean, we are so human after all (sorry, shameless plug for my album.) It is very human to rejoice when a bad person is defeated. We want to see our enemies vanquished. We tell ourselves that it's okay because good conquered evil. Never mind the fact that the Bible tells us NONE of us is "good." So are we supposed to celebrate the death of this horrible man? It's not an easy question to answer. I believe God is happy that Osama Bin Laden will not be able to carry out any more evil acts on His people. But we can also presume that God wept last night. If Osama Bin Laden indeed died without having known Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior, then God found no pleasure in that.

"...as surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD,

I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked,

but rather that they turn from their ways and live..."

--Ezekiel 33:11 (NIV)

I'll be honest. That's not me. Not right now. Yes, I think it's sad that a human being died, presumably not knowing his Creator, but I'm glad that our country dealt an incredibly painful blow to Al Qaeda. I'm glad Bin Laden won't be able to plot against us anymore. (Though I'm not naive enough to believe this ends our war on terror.) And I'm proud of the men and women serving in our military to fight against their injustice.

Yes, there is reason to rejoice. But there is also reason to weep. It's never a good thing when someone is sentenced to eternal suffering...if, as some have recently suggested, that even really exists. (But that's another topic altogether.)

30 Seconds (That Changed My LIfe)

Since I was a college student I've had this one dream that, to this day, has yet to come true. I have always wanted to be nominated for a Dove Award. That may seem silly to some, but to me it's recognition that you're a serious contributor to the Christian music industry. Your songs mean something. Your talent is appreciated. It's one of the highest awards for any Christian music artist. I have never even been considered, of course. But there was one moment--30 seconds--that almost led me down that path. Almost. Right after I graduated college--and somewhat on a whim--I entered a vocal competition in Dallas, Texas. I soon found out that I'd be competing against 186 singers...and I was number 183 to perform. I knew the judges would be tired. And here I was, singing to a track of a song called Crucified that I wrote with some friends in college. Shortly before I went on, I asked one of the other competitors if anyone had "blown away the judges yet." She said, "Not really." I got up, I sang my song. The crowd applauded. The judges applauded. It was an extremely positive response. When I sat back down in the room, the girl I had spoken to previously handed me a note on a piece of torn, red paper. "I think you're the one who just blew everyone away!" (I still have that note to this day.) To my surprise, I won the competition. And the first place prize was to go to Nashville, record a project, open for Morgan Cryar (one of my all-time favorite artists--and who my oldest son is named after) and...wait for it...pitch your project to the president of Star Song records. This was my chance! I went to Nashville. I recorded my first solo project, called Shock the World. It was pop. It was, at moments, a bit corny. There are some songs on there that I'm still proud of though. Probably wasn't my best effort but with the amount of studio time I had been given, (we recorded the entire album in 3 days) it was ok. I opened for Morgan Cryar, singing a handful of my songs and received a strong response. "I'm on my way!" I thought. When I arrived at the office of Star Song records, I sat in the lobby next to a young couple. He had spikey "nashville hair" and she had big, blonde hair! They were dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He was wearing a denim jacket. I spent every last dollar I had to buy a cheap suit at the Nashville mall. I was feeling a little out of place. They told me they were a married couple and they were there to sign their recording contract for their first album. They called themselves Two Hearts. It was exciting to meet other artists who were just about to launch their careers. They had done it. They were getting their chance. I was hoping that, by that afternoon, I'd be in the same boat. They comforted me, wished me luck and then went into another room to look at their paperwork. When the president of Star Song came out of his office to meet me, my producer introduced me as "the next Michael W. Smith." The president asked me, "Are you the next Michael W. Smith?" I said, "No sir. I'm the first Tim Glenn!" I was brimming with confidence. I knew this meeting could change my entire career path. I went into the office with the president. Sat down in front of his desk. He sat in his leather chair behind the desk. We made a little bit of chit-chat. I was obviously nervous as he popped my cassette into his tape player. (Yes, we were still using cassettes back then.) "Well then, 'first Tim Glenn', let's see what you've got." The first song--Take Me Away--came on. My foot was tapping. Probably as much out of nervousness as enjoying the beat. 30 seconds. That's all he listened. He stopped the tape. Popped it out. What is he thinking? Was it so good that he didn't need to hear any more? Was it so bad he didn't need to hear any more?" It was the latter. "I'm sorry, Tim. This just isn't what we're looking for right now. Good luck to you though." That was it. No contract. No suggestions. No second chance. Nothing. I walked out of that office, deflated. I took my shot. And I missed. I walked past Two Hearts, sitting in another room poring over paperwork. They looked at me with the obvious question on their faces. I just shook my head no as I walked by. My producer walked me out to the car, where I fought back tears the entire ride back to the house where I was staying. I often have wondered what my life would've been like had that 30 seconds gone differently. Don't get me wrong, I love the way God has blessed me with a family and a career. And I still get to make music, lead worship, etc. But that 30 seconds was a path changer. It led me to pursue a different career...a different life. Tonight, the Dove Awards will be held in Nashville. And at some point, an artist will hear his or her name announced among the list of nominees. Oh, how I wish I knew what that felt like!

"In Love"

I've been struggling a lot lately with the concept of being "in love with Christ." And I wonder if it's because I haven't found a way to see him more tangibly. I know, that sounds odd, but go with my logic for a sec:

The Bible tells us that:

"Greater love has no one than this:

to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." -John 15:13 (NIV)

And, quite honestly, if I were faced with the choice of dying or denying Christ, I would choose death. I could not deny Him who has given me eternal life...the one who has given me my family, my very breath. How could I possibly? So, in that sense, yes I suppose I love Christ.

But dying for a cause or person is one thing. What about living for one? I admit, I fail miserably at this. Some days, yes. Some days, far from it. And I can't seem to wrap my brain around this concept of loving God with every fiber of my being, as spelled out in Luke 10:

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ -Luke 10:27,(NIV)

Just being honest here. I love my children that way. But I'm not sure I love God that way. And I think it's because my chidlren are tangible. I can hold them. I can hug them. I can hear their sweet little voices, see their beautiful smiles. It's easy to love them, in fact. If God were more tangible to me, perhaps I could love Him as easily. Or maybe it's not supposed to be easy to love Him? Or is this some unattainable goal that we're supposed to strive for, but never achieve?

Or perhaps my concept of "love" is completely off-base? But I really struggle with how one can love God that deeply, when we cannot touch, see, hear or smell?

Is it possible to love Him with ALL of your heart, soul, mind and strength? If that's possible, I'd really like to get there. I'd love to have that kind of relationship with Him.

"Thy Will Be Done"

Twice, in the past two weeks, I've heard a message on the Lord's Prayer. (One pastor even went so far as to say "stop calling it the Lord's Prayer. Jesus would never pray asking God to forgive him of his sins--he doesn't have any!") Whenever I hear more than one message on the same point in such a short amount of time, I figure God's trying to tell me something. And I, being as slow and dimwitted as I am, need to be told more than once. Just sayin'. But here's the part I've really been struggling with:

"...Thy will be done..."

In all honesty, I've struggled with that most of my life. What if God's will isn't what I think will make me happy? My two biggest fears in this life are that God will either take one of my boys away from me, or take me away from them--leaving them to grow up fatherless like I did. So, I am terrified of God's will. I'm horrified that He may do one of those things to "teach me a lesson."

Wow. I probably need to work some on my view of God.

But this morning, on my way to work, I was having a conversation with God. And I once again verbalized these fears to Him. And He challenged my thinking with a question. He simply asked,

"Can you, by your own will, make your boys live to be old men? Can you will to live long enough to see your boys grow up?"

"No. I cannot," I replied.

"Then why are you afraid of surrendering to the will of the one being who can?"

Whoa.

It's true. The one being who, sheerly by His will, created an entire universe, who spoke life into existence, the one who willed me (and my boys) into existence is the only one who can will the things I hope for, pray for.

Yes, He's also the one who can will the things I fear. And I've still got some growing to do, before I can fully accept that God wants to give me the desires of my heart, (as long as they are in accordance with that will. Ugh! Beyond my comprehension!)

Perhaps a better question is, "If it's God's will to take my boys away--or me away from my boys--then is there really anything I can do to stop Him?"

No. There is not. So why not disclose those fears to Him? Why not surrender to His will, turning it all over to God, and pray that He hears those desires of my heart...to watch my boys grow into men?

A lot of things to work through still. But I figured I'm not the only one who struggles with this idea of surrendering to God's will. But in the end, I can't "out-will" God anyway.