Rude in New York

I'm at a conference in upstate New York right now. And I'm miserable. I'm way too far away from my wife and son. The "conference" is being held at a YMCA campground...which is beautiful and all, but there's no cell phone service here. (I can't believe there are still places in this country where you can't get cell service.) The wireless service goes in and out. It will likely take me over an hour to write this post, with the service going down and such. Oh, and let me not forget to mention that it's in the 90's here, ridiculously humid and the rooms don't have air conditioning.

This is 2007.

Who holds a conference in a place with no cell service, poor wireless service and no air conditioning!? Ugh. That's not a conference...that's camping! And remember the "forced socialization" I wrote about earlier? Yeah, there's been a lot of that throughout this "conference" too. Ugh. I am so out of my element. I just want to be home. I just want to hear my son's coo...hold him in my arms. I want to be back in my comfort zone.

When I get uncomfortable, I retreat into myself. There's been a lot of retreating these past couple of days, let me tell ya. Trust me, it's better for everyone if I just disappear by myself and stay away from people when I'm this uncomfortable. For example:

Last night, at dinner in the dining hall here at the camp...er, I mean "conference", I was sitting in the farthest table away in the back corner. Two ladies and two kids came up to the edge of the table and one of the ladies asked:

"Are you expecting more people at this table?"

"No. I was trying to be unsociable." I answered, without even looking up.

"Oh." She paused for a moment, not sure what to do with that answer.

"Well, if we promise not to talk to you, can we sit here?" she asked.

"Sure. That sounds like a plan."

It was rude, I know. Like I said, it's better for everyone if I can just disappear away from people.

Myers Briggs says an introvert is a person who does not get their energy from other people...in fact, may even find other people draining. They focus on their "inner world" rather than the outer world. That's definitely me. Given the choice between solitude and mingling with other people, I choose solitude 10 times out of 10.

Because we prefer solitude over crowds, we introverts rarely have a long list of close friends. For me, the list is very small and I'm okay with that. But I would say that none of my friends really "knows" me. I guess I'm a secretive introvert. Or perhaps we all are, I don't know.

I am an introvert. And though I sometimes feel compelled to apologize for that, I won't. It's who I am. I know I do owe that lady at dinner an apology.

Go figure. I came to New York...and *I* was rude!

Someday, I'm going to hold a conference for introverts. It will have 300 attendees...and will be held in 300 different locations at the same time. But there will be wireless, cell service...and yes, even air conditioning.

"I don't like people."

If you've spent any time with me at all, you've probably heard me say it: "I don't like people." It's not really true. I like people enough. I just don't like crowds. I'm sure it's probably a control thing...but few things make me more uncomfortable than being stuck in a crowd. Ride in a car while I'm driving and you'll find that I will do whatever it takes to get in front of everyone. I'll show up either extremely early or extremely late for a concert or other event, just to avoid having to mingle in a crowd. Sometimes, I will choose to not attend an event if it's a surefire bet that there will be a large crowd there. I haven't ever had a panic attack in a crowd, but I've been close a few times! On the rare occasion that my wife can actually convince me to go to places like WalMart or Home Depot, I often quote the scripture, "Yea, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." as I'm walking into the front doors. And it does feel that way to me. It's hell. But something that's just as uncomfortable for me is what I like to call "forced socialization." Let me explain: Some of the most dreaded five words in the English language, to me anyway, are:

"Let's break into small groups."

UGH! I absolutely hate that! No seriously...hate is not too strong of a word in this instance. If I'm at a conference or an event that calls for breaking into small groups, I will sneak out of the room. My attitude is that if I want to make friends, I'll do it on my own pace...when I choose to...and with whom I choose. I don't need to "pair up with five people you don't know" to learn whatever the teacher has to say. I am perfectly content to hide in my office at work and not talk to a single person face-to-face all day. In fact, I'd love to work from home so I don't really have to socialize at all. I love sites like myspace--they are about as far from really "socializing" as you can get. You make "friends" that you'll probably never meet. And if you decide you don't want to be "friends" anymore, you just delete them. (It's funny, they call these "social networking" sites. But there's really not anything social about it at all. It's about as impersonal as you can get--and I have to admit, there's a huge part of me that absolutely loves that!) So then I start to think: I don't like crowds. I don't like small groups. Hmmm. Maybe I don't like people. So...what's wrong with that? Well, other than the fact that I'm a music artist that relies on people to buy his product and come to his concerts, there's this verse in Scripture that has really convicted me lately.

"By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

-John 13:35

The reverend Peter Scholtes put it this way in his famous worship hymn:

"They will know we are christians by our love."

Ouch.

I honestly don't have any idea why I am this way. But it's something I've done since I was a child. I didn't have many friends growing up and I don't remember ever having a friend come over to my house to play. I do remember taking my G.I. Joe into my room and playing for hours...alone...and being perfectly content with it.

Still, I am convicted. I know this is something I need to work on. It will be tough to teach this old dog new tricks, but I am willing to try. Just don't expect any miracles overnight. One step at a time. I'm not gonna go get all warm and fuzzy on ya just yet!