Honesty.

Honesty.

It’s the first word in my bio on my website. It’s what I have tried to emulate in my songwriting. Funny though, how it’s easier to do in a song than in real life.

Truth is, I’m not a very honest person. I strive to be, but there are some things that I’d much rather keep hidden in the dark corners of who I am. Ugly things. Shocking things. Things I don’t want you to see.

“Don’t look at me. I’m as ugly as ugly can be.

Don’t look at me. I’m afraid you won’t like what you see.

There’s a stain on my heart that is darker than dark

I’m a liar, a cheat and a thief.

Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me.”

-The Liar, from an upcoming project

For years, I have wrestled with this one sin that has sunk its claws deep into my flesh. I hate who I am when this sin shows itself. I have told myself that, if I can just beat this one thing, I’d be doing alright. My guess is that many of you have that one thing you wrestle with too. But as I dig deeper into why this sin has such a grip on me, I realize it’s not just one thing. You see lust, pride, envy, anger, greed, discontentment, selfishness; they are all woven together like a tightly knit bundle of nerves. It’s hard to separate one from the other. Suddenly, that one thing…is many things. And I realize I’ve been fighting the wrong battle all along because I focused all my efforts on only one soldier in the war. Leaving myself open to ambush over and over again.

There are days when I feel like I’ve won. There are moments when I no longer feel consumed. But they are fleeting. With every step forward it seems, there’s a step backwards.

“I sit in the middle of poison.

I sit in the middle of sin.

I say my prayer of forgiveness

then turn around and do it again.”

-Secret Sins, from the XP album, Ten Songs

(Written by Clint Locks, Arr. And performed by Tim Glenn)

I imagine that’s what it’s like for a drug addict or an alcoholic. There are days when they don’t desire that high. Those are good days. Strong days. Bright days. Then, out of nowhere, something triggers a craving and before they know it, they’re intoxicated again…and the days turn dark. The self-loathing returns. I too have found myself in this cycle. More times than I care to admit.

“It’s a cold dark hell in this hole of sin

I’m ashamed to tell but I fit right in

I keep spinning in these concentric circles.”

-Hole of Sin, from my album, New Pair of Shoes

The Bible says to confess your sins to one another. That’s hard to do in this society because we love gossip. We love deflection. Focusing on the sin of others allows us to ignore our own. Sin is messy and no one wants to deal with it publicly. We don’t trust anyone to know who we really are inside. So we lock it away. And I wonder if we are a secret society of self-loathers. We fear how much others would hate us, if they only knew. So we choose to hate ourselves instead.

“I hate that I’m so human, fighting with this flesh

This wicked war of wiles.

If I could hide myself in you and take on all your qualities

Now that would be worthwhile.”

-So Human, from my album, So Human

I wonder how many of you would still associate yourselves with me if you knew what evil sneaks around in the darkest parts of my being. I have done horrible things. Things that would give you every right to hate me, disown me. I fear the loneliness that would follow such abandonment. So I choose to shoulder the weight in silence.

“My cross is the shame I must bear, with me everywhere

I admit that it’s bigger than me.

Though I try to walk it alone, my cross is a stone

that’s bringing me to my knees.”

-My Cross, from my album, So Human

I wonder how forgiving we can really be of each other. And I wonder… is it possible to completely overcome these things in this lifetime? Even if I did win this battle, would another one be waiting? Perhaps that’s why heaven is so special—the absence of the dark corners.

Back in Time

What if we could go back and fix the mistakes we've made?

Would you want to?

There are a handful of things from my past that I've longed to go back and correct. They will likely haunt me for the rest of my life.

Still, as I consider this train of thought, much has to be taken into account.

My first impression is, "I should write a song about this!" But then I think, "No, this is just a blog post."

This time, it's both.

Here are some thoughts mixed with some lyric ideas:

Probably the most famous sin on earth took place in the Garden of Eden. Oh, that garden! All the food they needed. Innocence and honesty in their purist form.

Then, one bad decision:

"Seems to me she was deceived

And took the apple from the tree

Shared it with her helper, friend

And things are not the same since then…

No things are not the same since then."

I wonder if Adam and Eve ever looked back. In those following years of dirty, sweaty toil, did they ever have the conversation?

Eve: "Oh, if I had only told that stupid snake to shut up!"

Adam: "If only I hadn't taken that bite!"

Did they ever fight about it? Was blame ever cast?

Adam: "Why did you have to bring me that confounded fruit!?"

Eve: "You didn't have to eat it, ya know! No one forced it down your throat."

Here's an interesting idea: What would've happened if Eve ate of the fruit but Adam stood his ground and denied it. How would that have changed the world? I'm sure, at some point, mankind would have still screwed up. But what if we hadn't?

Or, what if Eve DID shoo the serpent away…and neither of them partook of the fruit?

Think of the ramifications on life as we know it. Perhaps there would be no sin, no war, no death. But also…no need for Jesus. No blood. No crucifixion. No resurrection. No Christmas. No Easter. What if our story was simply…"God made us and gave us a perfect home?"

Wait…as a musician, I wonder how that would change our hymns? All those beautiful songs celebrating Jesus' victory over death. All those praises to God for His sweet redemption story.

Gone.

"Can we go back in time to right our wrongs?

Would it erase our rhymes?

Would it change our song?

No more sweet refrains of Amazing Grace

Not one single verse with Jesus' name?"

I honestly don't believe man will ever figure out how to travel back in time to change the past. And my gut tells me that's a good thing. But even if we could, I'm sure we'd slip up somewhere else along the way. Maybe we'd create drama some other way. Because, us humans, we thrive on drama!

And now to apply that to my own life. As much as I'd like to go back and change the past, I wonder what I'd miss out on if I did. I wonder what blessings, joys and wonders would never begin, without my sin.

"To erase the bad, you must erase it all

Every joy and blessing fall.

Crimson gone but at what cost?

Precious memories…all are lost."

Moments

Our lives are made up of moments.

And most of them will never be captured by a camera or microphone. And try as we may, we cannot hold on to every one of them. As I get older, I'm very much aware that my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be. And that is painful. I want to be able to recapture the sparkle in my wife's eyes when her quivering lips said, "I do." To remember what it felt like to hear my sons draw a breath and cry for the first time. Every time one of my boys calls me "daddy" my heart smiles. I want to hold onto these things vividly. Not as hazy memories.

It's cruel, I think, that we don't have some sort of digital recording device in our brains that allows us to capture, replay, re-experience.

Or maybe it's grace.

Because there are also moments that I want to erase for all eternity. The way my wife's face changes and tears flow from her beautiful blue eyes when I've said or done something to hurt her. The moment I lost composure upon losing a job that I put way too much value in. The look of fear in my son's eyes when I yelled, perhaps too loudly, at him. The ugly sin moments. Those can be sent to the recycle bin of the mind as far as I'm concerned. But, just as we cannot record and playback those moments we hold dear, we cannot erase the ones we'd like to pretend never happened.

And that, I suppose, is God's way of telling us to make the most of every moment. Every heartbeat is precious...important. Every word we speak, action we take is more than just a moment...it's a piece of our story. And our story is incomplete without the bad as well as the good.

What moments do you wish you could cling to and replay in your heart and mind? Which ones do you wish could be erased from the hard drive of your life?

The World is Bored.

I’m convinced the world is bored. I mean, seriously bored.

Evidence of this started a few years ago. A group of people who were bored got together and decided to do a choreographed song and dance performance in public. The idea was that it would appear as random, yet organized. It soon garnered the name, “flash mob.” And bored people have been trying to come up with original flash mobs ever since.

Then came “planking?” I mean, seriously…people are taking pictures of themselves lying down. Really? This is a social activity now? Lying down? I know that people are coming up with creative places to plank. I get that. But in the end, we’re taking pictures of ourselves lying still.

Admit it, we’re bored.

How else does one explain this “occupying” movement? It’s the flavor of the month right now. Occupy Wall Street. Occupy this. Occupy that. What is occupying, really? It’s a group of people gathered together, protesting the power and money that major corporations have. Funny. They’re walking around in clothes created by corporations, taking pictures and video of their events with cameras made by corporations (I’ve seen several people using their smart phones at these events. Really?) Some even make a run to the closest fast food joint to grab a burger and fries from a corporation, so they don’t get too hungry while they’re sitting in their tents made by corporations. And how are they getting the word out about their events? Through social media. Yep, you guessed it, corporations. They’re even going out of their way to get traditional media coverage. You know, those corporately owned television, radio stations and newspapers?

So…what are they really protesting? If anything, they should be protesting themselves…their own stupidity. Or at the very least their hypocrisy.

No, I think they’re just bored.

For the most part, these aren’t bad things. At least people are getting creative. At least they’re doing something with their time. But what is the cause of all this boredom?

Personally, I think it’s the result of a very dramatic decade. In September of 2001, one of the most dramatic events happened in our country’s history. We collectively gasped. We got angry. We united. Then we spent the next few years seeking revenge. But we also spent that time rebuilding. We got busy. We wanted to prove to the world that we would not fall. So we spent money. Lots of money. Money we didn’t have. We ran up our debt. Just like a family trying to keep up with the Joneses, we weren’t going to be outdone by any other country. We had to prove to the world that we are still the strongest, greatest country on the planet. And we got accustomed to that spending. We got used to the drama of it all.

Now we’re on the backside of it. We’re back home from vacation and the bills have just shown up. We spent a lot of money at Disney World. It didn’t feel like real money because we used a credit card. And that mouse with the big ears is just a memory now. We still long for the euphoria.

We are bored. And we need to be careful because when people get bored, they start doing things to create euphoria. Problem is, it doesn’t last long. So we’re on to the next thing…and the next. Before you know it, we’re carrying signs, protesting something we ourselves don’t even understand and rioting about powerhouses that we ourselves created. And how far will we go?

We have forgotten the great, lost art of…being content.

At the risk of sounding like a buzz kill (which I realize is a real risk here), may I make a few suggestions: go to work, come home, play with the kids, watch a movie as a family, work in the yard, clean the garage, go on a picnic, go for a hike. No, it’s not nearly as dramatic. But it’s a lot healthier. Learn how to be content before we go too far.

Was It For the Devil?

I have written songs to God, about God and even some from the perspective of God. But one song in particular was a change of pace for me. I've recieved quite a few emails from fans asking me who I'm addressing in the song, As You Think You Are. The most common question is, "Was it for the devil?" Sometimes, people assume I had a specific person in mind and want to know who it was. And, every once in awhile, someone asks, "Did you write this for yourself?" Truth is... It's all of those. As You Think You Are is a message about pride.

You consider this and everything you see

as your imagination running wild.

You consider this, in pure hypocrisy,

as something that you caused to come about...

You'll recall Lucifer was the highest of angels til pride took him down. He started to believe that he, himself was God. In that sense, yes, this song is about, or rather to, Satan. But I also struggle with pride. I sometimes get to the place in my life where I say, "Look what I've accomplished!" Dangerous place to be. Because the truth is, I've accomplished nothing on my own. God's grace has given me the beautiful family I have, our wonderful home, my career, my music ministry. Without Him, I'm just another sinner. Correction...without Him, I'm probably the chief of all sinners.

You're not as strong.

You're not as powerful.

You're not as much as you think you are.

But this song is written to you too. It's a warning...a reminder. Don't start believing your own hype. Sometimes we want to present ourselves as "having it all together." I believe God created in us the desire to aspire to more. But not for our own glory. This song is aimed at all of us who tread that dangerously thin line between acknowledging God and seeking praise for ourselves. And it's laced with some of the same questions that God asked Job:

What about the moon?

What about the stars?

Are you the one who put them in their place?

And what of living air?

Were you the first to breathe for every living creature, every race?

So yes, As You Think You Are was written for the devil. And for me. And for you. I hope there's something we can all learn from it. You can hear the song here: www.timglennmusic.com/asyouthinkyouare.mp3 If you like it, please go to iTunes and buy it! And share this link with your friends!

Does God Understand This At All?

Today Morgan, my four year old, starts pre-school. And I'm feeling a bit...well, melancholy. For sure, I'm extremely proud of him. He's so smart. He knows the importance of "please" and "thank you." He and his little brother, Grayson, are my absolute pride and joy. I can't imagine life without them...nor do I want to. But like millions of parents before me and, for sure millions after, it's hard to see my baby boy grow up. A big part of me wants to keep him "cuddle-size"...where he fits just right in my lap and arms. I love that he still gives me kisses, hugs and runs into my arms when I get home from work each day. I fear those days are quickly fading. And pre-school, somehow, marks the beginning of the fade. And that got me thinking this morning, does God understand that at all? I wonder if an ageless, timeless, eternal God knows what it's like to wish his child would stay a child. Yes, He watched Jesus grow up but I don't know of any place in Scripture where it says God had a hard time when Jesus first strapped on a backpack and took a number two pencil to class. I don't recall God getting misty-eyed over our Lord's first day of high school. But I do remember this:

"I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins

and become like little children, you will never

enter the Kingdom of Heaven." --Matthew 18:3 (NIV)

God knows what happens as we get older and the world takes away some of the wonder. He knows how, with age, we start to lose that abandon that sends us running into His arms. So, while God may have never expressed His saddened heart over watching a child grow up, He definitely expressed his sorrow over his children losing their child-like faith.

Maybe that's another thing we have in common with our Maker. We all want our kids to stay "cuddle size."

58: The Film

Check out the trailer for this church-changing film that's coming out in October. Share it. Join the movement. We can change the world.

58: THE FILM Trailer July, 11 2011 from LIVE58NOW on Vimeo.