Reflection

I remember. I remember when those light green eyes shined so brightly. When those bony, broad shoulders stood square and strong. Just yesterday life danced in that goofy grin. And the chestnut locks curled along that scrawny neck. O' where did the wide-eyed wonder go? The dare, no determination, to change the world? Did wonder give way to worry? And dare to disappointment? Those eyes have lost their shine. They show retreat. Those shoulders, now slumped in defeat. If I ever had a hope, it seems I lost it. If I ever had a smile, then fate has tossed it. The curls of youth replaced by graying...straying. Is this the real me? Is this who I was all along? And only now the veneer has worn so thin that truth is exposed? Or have I wandered so far that the real me cannot be found? Lost somewhere in time's relentless ticking...ticking...ticking. Oh mirror, surely you lie. Surely the best has not gone by.

The Mirror

Monday night, I found myself standing in front of the mirror. Just standing there for like five minutes...staring at myself. Analyzing myself. It has been a long time since I've really taken a good look at myself. My eyes look tired. My face droopy. Yeah...droopy. Gravity is calling my skin to head south for the winter. I'm not sure when I got so much gray in my hair, but it's there...peppered throughout the brown strands that are retreating from my forehead like a frightened army. I'm about 12-15 pounds overweight. The shoulders that once stood squarely in place now slouch slightly forward...hanging in surrender. I'm a mess. And the evaluation went deeper than the physical too. In that eternal five minutes, I also examined my life. Yesterday, I was 28 years old...excited to see where my career and life would take me. Would I be moving out of the country? Or to another state? I hopped from Texas to Tennessee to Colorado in a matter of 14 months, chasing dreams. Today, just 24-hours later, I'm 41...and worried about whether I should sell my house and move across town. I'm tired. And what few dreams I have revolve not around experiencing life...but avoiding death. Financial death. Emotional death. Spiritual death. Death...not life. And what have I done with these 41 years? If I were to die today, what would people say about me? Have I left any semblance of a legacy? How many real "friends" do I have? And why has making friends never been a priority to me? What friends I do have is because they made the effort...not me. Why have I been so selfish? Never willing to give back. Never willing to open myself up to anyone? Is it because I really don't like who I am...so I figure no one else would either? Why do I struggle so much with God? Church? Why is it that I would rather spend an entire day alone, by myself, than an hour with a group of people? I absolutely dread social gatherings. I mean dread. When did I become that person? Funny thing about mirrors. They don't lie. They show you exactly what you put in front of them. So there I was, in front of this reflective glass, wishing I didn't recognize the person standing there. But sadly, I know him all too well. And I don't care for him too much.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall...why are you showing me what I'll look like 20 years from now? Oh. Dang.