Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Monday night, I found myself standing in front of the mirror. Just standing there for like five minutes...staring at myself. Analyzing myself. It has been a long time since I've really taken a good look at myself. My eyes look tired. My face droopy. Yeah...droopy. Gravity is calling my skin to head south for the winter. I'm not sure when I got so much gray in my hair, but it's there...peppered throughout the brown strands that are retreating from my forehead like a frightened army. I'm about 12-15 pounds overweight. The shoulders that once stood squarely in place now slouch slightly forward...hanging in surrender. I'm a mess. And the evaluation went deeper than the physical too. In that eternal five minutes, I also examined my life. Yesterday, I was 28 years old...excited to see where my career and life would take me. Would I be moving out of the country? Or to another state? I hopped from Texas to Tennessee to Colorado in a matter of 14 months, chasing dreams. Today, just 24-hours later, I'm 41...and worried about whether I should sell my house and move across town. I'm tired. And what few dreams I have revolve not around experiencing life...but avoiding death. Financial death. Emotional death. Spiritual death. Death...not life. And what have I done with these 41 years? If I were to die today, what would people say about me? Have I left any semblance of a legacy? How many real "friends" do I have? And why has making friends never been a priority to me? What friends I do have is because they made the effort...not me. Why have I been so selfish? Never willing to give back. Never willing to open myself up to anyone? Is it because I really don't like who I am...so I figure no one else would either? Why do I struggle so much with God? Church? Why is it that I would rather spend an entire day alone, by myself, than an hour with a group of people? I absolutely dread social gatherings. I mean dread. When did I become that person? Funny thing about mirrors. They don't lie. They show you exactly what you put in front of them. So there I was, in front of this reflective glass, wishing I didn't recognize the person standing there. But sadly, I know him all too well. And I don't care for him too much.